You do not define me at all!
This is something I need to start repeating to myself more often. I was doing some weight training with Jemma on Tuesday which required that I sit on a bench with dumbbells. Sitting in front of a mirror is never a good experience and generally it only serves to generate a single emotion, which is self-loathing. I am ok if I don't see my reflection. It's a form of denial I suppose. In reality, I don't feel too bad with myself, until that moment that I see my own body reflected back at me.
I used to not be able to look myself in the eye when looking at a mirror, but thankfully that, at least, has changed. I know that I have been working on improving myself as a person, emotionally and spiritually. Personal Development has become a strong focus in the past 2 years, and though I still have a long way to go, I have changed significantly. This may not be visible to others, but I know how far I've come and that's the important thing! My weight seems to be my own final frontier!
I remember a decade ago, when I was reluctant to venture into Tesco's because there were too many people! Nowadays, I really enjoy walking around town and in shops, because you never know who you are going to bump into. (until I see my reflection - that is..) My point is… if I can change that, then I can change anything! And boy do I intend to! Some things just take longer than others. Unfortunately the state of my body is a symptom (and cause) of something that goes a lot deeper, and it is something that has been around for such a long time, that it's going to take more than a fly swatter to get rid of what's 'bugging' me.
I might elaborate on that some other time… wouldn't want to bore you to death!
I am a natural dreamer, so the mirror brings me back to earth with a resounding thump, and reminds me that I don't actually look the way I feel. It's easy to avoid the truth when it's not staring back at you. Even today I was doing some Tai Chi which I really enjoy because of it's graceful movement and flow. I FEEL like my old self when I commanded at least a small bit of grace, but then when I look up, the image I see doesn't 'compute'. It's like the wires are mismatched, causing a cataclysmic meltdown! *Mayday, mayday….*
This is my attempt to put in words, however clumsily, what goes through my mind when I see myself. Now my reaction is anger, and then determination… I've had enough! I want to be the real me! I know that this isn't something that everyone will be able to understand, and as such it's a journey I can only complete on my own. One day this imaginary foe that I see in the mirror will fade and I will see my true self reflected back at me.
One day….
#DwindlingDeeva
www.facebook.com/DwindlingDeevaDiary
This is something I need to start repeating to myself more often. I was doing some weight training with Jemma on Tuesday which required that I sit on a bench with dumbbells. Sitting in front of a mirror is never a good experience and generally it only serves to generate a single emotion, which is self-loathing. I am ok if I don't see my reflection. It's a form of denial I suppose. In reality, I don't feel too bad with myself, until that moment that I see my own body reflected back at me.
I used to not be able to look myself in the eye when looking at a mirror, but thankfully that, at least, has changed. I know that I have been working on improving myself as a person, emotionally and spiritually. Personal Development has become a strong focus in the past 2 years, and though I still have a long way to go, I have changed significantly. This may not be visible to others, but I know how far I've come and that's the important thing! My weight seems to be my own final frontier!
I remember a decade ago, when I was reluctant to venture into Tesco's because there were too many people! Nowadays, I really enjoy walking around town and in shops, because you never know who you are going to bump into. (until I see my reflection - that is..) My point is… if I can change that, then I can change anything! And boy do I intend to! Some things just take longer than others. Unfortunately the state of my body is a symptom (and cause) of something that goes a lot deeper, and it is something that has been around for such a long time, that it's going to take more than a fly swatter to get rid of what's 'bugging' me.
I might elaborate on that some other time… wouldn't want to bore you to death!
I am a natural dreamer, so the mirror brings me back to earth with a resounding thump, and reminds me that I don't actually look the way I feel. It's easy to avoid the truth when it's not staring back at you. Even today I was doing some Tai Chi which I really enjoy because of it's graceful movement and flow. I FEEL like my old self when I commanded at least a small bit of grace, but then when I look up, the image I see doesn't 'compute'. It's like the wires are mismatched, causing a cataclysmic meltdown! *Mayday, mayday….*
This is my attempt to put in words, however clumsily, what goes through my mind when I see myself. Now my reaction is anger, and then determination… I've had enough! I want to be the real me! I know that this isn't something that everyone will be able to understand, and as such it's a journey I can only complete on my own. One day this imaginary foe that I see in the mirror will fade and I will see my true self reflected back at me.
One day….
#DwindlingDeeva
www.facebook.com/DwindlingDeevaDiary