Why have I been so tight-lipped this month? Honestly… It’s for no other reason than ‘OMG, is it end of January already??!!' My deepest thoughts always seem to roam free late at night, and it helps write them down and purge them. So this is what it takes to break my long blog drought.
I was going about my business this evening, and something that seems to keep bubbling up to the surface is this constant nagging! My old self being hard on myself. You should hear the thoughts that go on in my mind. If they were brought into the physical plane, they would be classified as verbal abuse!
"I can do it!"
“No you can’t"
“Of course I can, I can do whatever you put my mind to"
“Nah, you’ve always failed and this time will be no different"
“I know I can!!"
“Really? I don’t believe you!"
“I do believe!!"
“No you don’t"
Come to think of it, it’s like a panto lol!
This is just a taste of what goes through my mind a mile a minute. CONSTANTLY battling in my head. More often than not I manage to shut them up, with my normal optimism, downright stubbornness and a refusal to quit. But sometimes… The cracks aren’t covered up quick enough. I guess the biggest obstacle I have to overcome is this utter belief that as long as I am fat, no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. This thought keeps coming up when I least expect it, when my guard is down… It’s like it’s been hard-wired into my brain. A preset: fat = lazy. So you internalise this as truth. I am determined to erase this from my mind. Consciously I know it’s absolute crap, but subconsciously, it’s always there, pulling me back when I’m about to take a leap of faith and push my boundaries.
It’s that whisper in your ear, that says, “But what if you’re wrong, what if you really aren’t good enough, and all of this is just a delusion?”
Gosh that sounds really sad doesn’t it? This used to drown out my thoughts, but thankfully over the last few years I’ve managed to muzzle it and push it into a dark corner. Until occasionally that self-doubt appears and sets those thoughts free again. I have no doubt that I’m not alone in this. Everyone has some kind of villain sitting on their shoulder.
Now, I didn’t want to start this post with a negative tone, but I am writing what I’m feeling. It’s not so much negative, it’s more a case of musing at myself. This post refers to life in general, not just my weight. I’m just wondering if I have the strength to flick that critter from my shoulder for good. I may not be perfect, but I try and try and try and try. No matter how many times I have to regroup and start again. I will keep trying. One day… I will reach my goals, emerge from under this weight, and do what I was meant to do. Whatever that may be.
(See? Even as a parting thought, I need to lose my weight before becoming what I need to be! “Struth Dee!!!)
And now I feel better…. Thank you x
#DwindlingDeeva
www.facebook.com/DwindlingDeevaDiary
I was going about my business this evening, and something that seems to keep bubbling up to the surface is this constant nagging! My old self being hard on myself. You should hear the thoughts that go on in my mind. If they were brought into the physical plane, they would be classified as verbal abuse!
"I can do it!"
“No you can’t"
“Of course I can, I can do whatever you put my mind to"
“Nah, you’ve always failed and this time will be no different"
“I know I can!!"
“Really? I don’t believe you!"
“I do believe!!"
“No you don’t"
Come to think of it, it’s like a panto lol!
This is just a taste of what goes through my mind a mile a minute. CONSTANTLY battling in my head. More often than not I manage to shut them up, with my normal optimism, downright stubbornness and a refusal to quit. But sometimes… The cracks aren’t covered up quick enough. I guess the biggest obstacle I have to overcome is this utter belief that as long as I am fat, no matter what I do, it isn’t good enough. This thought keeps coming up when I least expect it, when my guard is down… It’s like it’s been hard-wired into my brain. A preset: fat = lazy. So you internalise this as truth. I am determined to erase this from my mind. Consciously I know it’s absolute crap, but subconsciously, it’s always there, pulling me back when I’m about to take a leap of faith and push my boundaries.
It’s that whisper in your ear, that says, “But what if you’re wrong, what if you really aren’t good enough, and all of this is just a delusion?”
Gosh that sounds really sad doesn’t it? This used to drown out my thoughts, but thankfully over the last few years I’ve managed to muzzle it and push it into a dark corner. Until occasionally that self-doubt appears and sets those thoughts free again. I have no doubt that I’m not alone in this. Everyone has some kind of villain sitting on their shoulder.
Now, I didn’t want to start this post with a negative tone, but I am writing what I’m feeling. It’s not so much negative, it’s more a case of musing at myself. This post refers to life in general, not just my weight. I’m just wondering if I have the strength to flick that critter from my shoulder for good. I may not be perfect, but I try and try and try and try. No matter how many times I have to regroup and start again. I will keep trying. One day… I will reach my goals, emerge from under this weight, and do what I was meant to do. Whatever that may be.
(See? Even as a parting thought, I need to lose my weight before becoming what I need to be! “Struth Dee!!!)
And now I feel better…. Thank you x
#DwindlingDeeva
www.facebook.com/DwindlingDeevaDiary